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| Sacred Science |
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| John Keely's Sacred Science |
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Topic: Jokes Section: New Stock Market Terms Table of Contents to this Topic |
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NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS ............ ... CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer CFO -- Corporate Fraud OfficerÊ BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.Ê BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.Ê VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.Ê P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.Ê BROKER - - What my broker has made me.Ê STANDARD & POOR Ê-- Your life in a nutshell.Ê STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.Ê STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.Ê FINANCIAL PLANNER - - A guy whose phone has been disconnected.Ê MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.Ê CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.Ê YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it Êto some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.Ê INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.Ê PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use. - 401-K eg Plan If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received a $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. Ê ÊIt is called the 401-K eg Plan. |
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