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| Sacred Science |
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| John Keely's Sacred Science |
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Topic: Jokes Section: Internet Advice Table of Contents to this Topic |
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I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the e-mail about rat poop in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer have any savings, because I gave them to a sick girl named Penny Brown, who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer have any Êmoney Êat all, Êbut that will change Êonce I receive the $15,000.00 Êthat ÊBill Gates/Microsoft Êand ÊAOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thanks to you I have learned my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven (7) of my friends, Êand make a wish within five (5) minutes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer can buy gasoline Êwithout Êtaking a man along Êto watch the car, Êso a Êserial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer drink ÊPepsi or ÊDr. Pepper Êsince the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to print "Under God" on their cans. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it Êwill blow up in my Êface, disfiguring me for life. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS virus. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer shop at ÊTarget since they are ÊFrench and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and ÊUzbekistan. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer have any sneakers ... but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine, because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thank you too, for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. ÊI can live a better life now because he's told us how Êto fix everything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up a $5.00 bill someone dropped in the parking lot, because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Oh, and don't forget this one either ! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next seventy (70) minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a big hairy hump. ÊI know this will occur because it actually did happen to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician ... |
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